Breaking the Habit
by R.I. Shan
Summary: Sequel to Completely Gone. Reid finally woke up but is pushing everyone away. Morgan can't accept that he's losing his friend and that his friend is losing himself.
1. Chapter 1

**Breaking the Habit**

**A/N**: Sequel to Completely Gone. I kind of left off my other story in a bit of a cliffhanger and now I'm thinking of how to make it up to those who "enjoyed" the last story.

**Warning(s):** Angst, Self-harm (suicidal maybe?), mentions of torture, drugs and strong Morgan/Reid friendship

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Criminal Minds.

* * *

Chapter one: Waking Up

_"My heart burnt within me with indignation and grief; we could think of nothing else. All night long we had only snatches of sleep, waking up perpetually to the sense of a great shock and grief. Every one is feeling the same. I never knew so universal a feeling."_

-Elizabeth Gaskell

Derek Morgan slowly closed the door behind him. He went to grab a much needed hot coffee. Usually he would pack the coffee for his best friend, Dr. Spencer Reid but given the situation it was for him. He would give anything to take back everything done to the younger agent.

"Hi Derek," A young nurse waved.

"Hey Lillian," he smiled sadly.

For a month he had spent his time in a hospital. For the first week he, himself, was a patient only to be released with a few cuts, scars, bruises, and a sling. The rest he came as a visitor. Though he was roughed up Reid was no better. He was probably worse since he hasn't woken up. On the border to death and saved only to be kept alive with a hope to wake up.

Morgan made his way out the elevator as the door opened. The cafeteria was empty at this time. He took a deep breath and the sweet smell of coffee filled his nose. This shouldn't have happened…he shouldn't be here. Not in a hospital. Not to visit a best friend who was practically family. He sighed. Most of all he shouldn't feel this guilty. It wasn't his fault…everyone said so. Yet he couldn't help the pain etched in his chest when he saw the lifeless body of his coworker in the hospital bed.

'_He's going to wake up…just have faith,'_ he repeats in his mind.

He pours the black coffee in a Styrofoam cup. He doesn't even bother with sugar and milk. He drinks it straight up feeling the caffeine enter his system. He slumps in a plastic chair and closes his eyes. His mind backtracks to a month from today when he awoke to the blinding lights. The news he received and the pang of guilt back then that leads to now.

_"When Dr. Reid was first kidnapped he was poisoned by the liquid in the syringe. Directly going into his already weak immune system due to the Anthrax attack a while ago. Though you would think that would've made him stronger it was reversed since his system was still healing from the damage done before. Later he inhaled quite a bit and drank it numerous times without noticing that only made matters worse. You, Mr. Morgan, were poisoned through drinking it and inhaling it," she explained._

The doctor had explained thoroughly the process in which they were poisoned. Three bloody ways they were nearly killed if they had the right dosage. And then there was the reason he was still here waiting for Reid to wake up.

"Dr. Spencer Reid is in an induced coma," she continued.

Those horrifying words haunt him in his sleep. Those words he detests wake him up at night. Nightmares that his buddy, his friend, and his brother would never wake up.

Morgan opens his eyes and quickly downs the rest of the black bitter coffee. He slowly treks to the elevator that leads to that lifeless white room.

As he enters the cold room he sees a curled up figure in a corner. He turns to the bed where a lying pale man should be only to be welcomed by blood. Lots of blood that eventually leads to the whimpering person.

"R-Reid?" Derek calls out softly as to not startle the young man.

Those big hazel eyes turn to him. They look frighten like a doe caught in headlights. Immediately recognize the intruder in the room he gets up on wobbly feet and runs towards him. He slings his arms around the older agent's neck and holds on tight.

"Pretty boy it's okay," he soothes.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry," Reid chokes.

His voice is raspy and hoarse from lack of use.

"Shh don't apologize," Morgan whispers.

Reid whimpers and when he doesn't Morgan remembers all the blood on the bed and floor.

"What happened?" he asks calmly pushing Reid arm's length away.

Reid casts his eyes down on the polished floor and wraps his arms around himself tighter. Suddenly feeling exposed he shivers. Morgan notices the gash on his arm. He knew why he did it. If he was in Reid's shoes he would have done the same.

"Reid," he begins.

"I'm sorry," he replies shakily.

Morgan sighs and walks over to the bed. He presses the nurse's call button and walks back to stand in the middle of the private room.

"Come," he gently nudges.

Reid complies and walks into Morgan's embrace.

"He's gone," Morgan says after a minute.

"I didn't want to," Reid sniffles.

Morgan smiles sadly.

"I know…" is all he manages.

Lillian, who happens to be Reid's main nurse walks in and rushes over to the two men.

"What happened?" She asks panicked.

"I went to the cafeteria and when I came back I was greeted by my Pretty boy awake and alive," Morgan replies.

"And bleeding," she notes.

"I didn't mean to…" he says in a small voice.

Lillian sighs. She turns her gaze onto Morgan questioningly.

"He…has a problem with narcotics and thus thinking he was on them he ripped the IV out of his arm," Morgan explained.

"I'm sorry," he repeats.

"Don't worry sweetie," she smiles sadly.

She grabs some gauze and bids Reid to sit. He looks at Morgan almost pleadingly.

"He doesn't like to be touched…even before the.. um accident," Morgan says.

"Oh…but we have to treat it," she replies.

"I…I can do it," Reid gulps.

She looks a bit skeptical but Morgan tells her it's alright.

"I'll go inform the Doctor," she nods and walks out the room.

Morgan kneels in front of Reid and starts to clean the bleeding gash on his inner arm.

"Thank you," Reid whispers.

"No problem…how do you feel?" Morgan asks.

"Tired," Reid mumbles.

"After all those weeks of sleeping?" Morgan joked.

"If a person is on a ventilator they are put into a medically induced coma. Drugs are given so the patient is relaxed and asleep. This helps with healing and comfort. Sleep is more when the patient is able to arouse with stimuli in this case it was medically induced…I hope and thus it's not really considered sleep…sorry," Reid mutters realizing he was rambling.

"It sure seems like you're back," Morgan smiles.

"….I suppose," he nods.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note(s): **Thanks for those are reading/following/favorting/reveiwing.

**Warning(s):** Angst, Self-harm (suicidal maybe?), mentions of torture, drugs and strong Morgan/Reid friendship

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Criminal Minds.

* * *

Chapter two: Restless Nights

"_You learned to run from what you feel, and that's why you have nightmares. To deny is to invite madness. To accept is to control."  
-Megan Chance_

"Spence!" JJ called eagerly.

"Hi," Reid waved.

"How are you?" she asked.

"Better…I suppose," he shrugs.

A week ago he had returned to the BAU after being awake for two weeks. He decided he just couldn't miss the action any more though Hotch, the unit chief, had insisted on him taking more time off. Reid just shook his head and managed to convince the team's leader that he was fine. If only they knew how he felt. The restless nights. The emptiness and the dirtiness he felt. He spent practically hours in the shower trying to forget the lingering touches of the man that nearly killed him. He took a shuddering breath and forced a smile for his coworker.

"It's almost six, are you planning anything?" the blond liaison asked.

"Actually nothing really," he replies nonchalantly.

"You're always welcome to come visit, Henry has been dying to see his Unca Spen," she smiles sadly.

"I'll consider it," Reid nodded.

He headed back to his desk and sighed. He started to work on the files on his desk. He filled his head with work trying to avoid anyone's eyes. Morgan walked out his office and walked towards his desk. Reid looked up questioningly.

"Want some?" he motioned to the empty mug.

Reid nodded once, "thanks," he muttered.

"Welcome," Morgan walked to the break room with both, his and Reid's cups in hand.

In all honesty Reid didn't want coffee. For the first time he didn't want his sugar charged black coffee. He had agreed to get rid of any suspicion so it was the only reason he had accepted the offer. It's been getting on his nerves the sudden attention. Of course he knew it wasn't sudden. They were worried and he couldn't blame them. They had every right to be. He was fighting a battle he was losing miserably.

"So much work," Prentiss complained from her desk.

Reid offered a kind smile as he took some of her files. She peered at him curiously.

"Don't worry, you and Morgan used to sneak files into my pile remember? I don't mind," he assured her.

"Thanks," she smiled sadly.

Everyone seemed to give him those sad smiles and pity eyes. He sighed and went back to work. They didn't know the whole truth of what happened in the cabin. Only morgan who was the only witness to what he lived through. Morgan stopped by his desk a moment later and waited for Reid to turn and look at him. Morgan handed him his cup with steamy coffee. Morgan quirked an eyebrow _almost_ expectantly. Almost.

Reid sighed again and took a swig of the coffee. No matter how much sugar was added his sweet coffee always tasted bitter now.

"Thanks again," he mumbled returning to an open file.

"Again you're welcomed," Morgan smiled.

Reid could sense the relief in his voice. He hated what he was doing. He didn't want to hurt his friends, much less Morgan who has always been there. But he doesn't know how he feels. Morgan pats his back and he immediately tenses.

"Sorry," Morgan whispered.

"Don't…it's not your fault," Reid relaxed a bit.

Morgan nodded and left.

It's wasn't his fault. It wasn't even his own. He couldn't help the shudder when someone was too close. He couldn't prevent the discomfort or the shiver down his spine when someone touched him. He couldn't help hyperventilating when someone merely brushed up against his shoulder by accident. It wasn't anyone's fault he couldn't handle touch. He was changing before now. He had opened up to the people he considered family. And then this happened. And slowly like when they all first met he closed the open door. He shut himself away.

Seven came rolling and he was already stretching. He cracked his back and relief replaced the discomfort he felt caused by sitting so long. Emily already gathered her belongings.

"See you tomorrow," she smiled.

"Good night," he nodded with his own smile. Fake, but real enough to fool everyone around him.

He grabbed his worn satchel and threw it over his shoulder. He pulled his cardigan closer and headed towards the elevator. He wouldn't admit it but he was always glad to stay late. It meant he wouldn't have to go back home. It meant he wouldn't have to drift to sleep only to be welcomed by horrifying nightmares. He felt hot tears prick his eyes. _Since when had he become so weak? _He wondered.

He pressed the button and waited for the elevator to arrive.

"Reid!" Morgan called.

He didn't bother to turn. He didn't want to see him. He tried to avoid him. He made it very clear that he didn't want to be next Morgan. It was painfully clear to the other man but that didn't stop him from worrying either. Reid tapped his foot impatiently. He wanted nothing more than to leave.

"Reid wait," Morgan rushed towards him.

The doors flung opened and he stepped in without a second thought. Reid pressed the close button and as the door slid closed again he stared into the worrying brown eyes. They were hurt but understanding. He absolutely hated that mix of confusion. How can someone be so understanding when they were being shut off?

"Did he leave?" Hotch asks the darker man.

"Just missed him," he mutters a reply.

"Morgan…" he began.

"I know Hotch…I know but what can I do? I'm his best friend and he can't confide in me. I failed him and now he's not only pushing me away but everyone else too," Morgan stressed.

"This is just one bad nightmare," Hotch said softly his features softening like the day Morgan woke up in the hospital.

"Then what do_ I_ do? What _can I_ do?" Morgan asked.

"Wake up and wake him up too," Hotch replied.

The doors reopened and both agents stepped in. Once in the parking lot both parted ways. The lot filled with sparse cars illuminated but the street light just enough to see.

* * *

At home Reid closed the door behind him as he entered. He slid down the door and slumped on the ground. He closed his eyes and drifted to the one place he wanted to escape. Reality. The insomnia was too much now to be ignored. He needed rest. He needed to sleep, even if it meant reliving hell again. His head was pounding and he was most certainly burning up. He struggled but submitted to the darkness anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning(s):** Angst, Self-harm (suicidal maybe?), mentions of torture, drugs and strong Morgan/Reid friendship

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Criminal Minds.

* * *

Chapter three: The Monster

_"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."_  
_-Friedrich Nietzsche_

At home Reid closed the door behind him as he entered. He slid down the door and slumped on the ground. He closed his eyes and drifted to the one place he wanted to escape. Reality. The insomnia was too much now to be ignored. He needed rest. He needed to sleep, even if it meant reliving hell again. His head was pounding and he was most certainly burning up. He struggled but submitted to the darkness anyway.

* * *

_He was standing around an empty room. It was dusty and smelled rotten. He looked to the side and saw those blue eyes staring at him. He smelled like death. He looked down at himself. Blood smeared all over. He smelled like death. When his gaze turned again that man was gone._

"_Missed me?" he whispered from behind._

_Reid shuddered and took a step away from him._

"_Please," he whispered._

"_No…you can't escape," he smirked evilly._

"_Please," Reid said again. He stumbled back and fell._

"_Tsk tsk you thought you could get rid of me so easy? Well think again," the man launched forward._

"_No!" Reid screamed._

_The man with blue eyes, Bates, the man that haunted him even now dead. That man and those memories were his nightmares.  
"Stop!" he screamed again._

_His head fell back and his back arched. He didn't want this._

_And then the scene changed._

_He was standing in a white room. People he didn't remember, which was odd considering he had an memory, were standing there...Accusing and disgusting looks on him. Maybe it had to do with the fact that their faces were blurred. Except for one. He stared right into those dark brown eyes. He suddenly felt exposed._

"_You don't have to do this alone," he said._

_His tone was warm and kind. He was covered in gauze and a sling around his arm._

"_I don't need anyone," Reid simply replied._

_He wasn't sure but he knew who it was. It was….it had to be…Morgan. Though he was "sleeping" for a month he knew that their injuries weren't to be taken lightly. He heard the gunshots. He heard the screams at night when Morgan took his place._

* * *

"Reid!"

He was yanked awake.

"Reid please!"

He heard frantic calls.

He groaned as he moved. He moved aside from the door and in a minute it was pushed open. Morgan was standing there. No gauze and no sling.

"Morgan?" he asked groggily.

He didn't need to ask. He already knew it was him.

"What happened?" Morgan questioned.

Nothing, was what Reid wanted to say.

"Reid," he said in a stern voice.

"Nightmares…it's nothing really," he shrugged.

"Reid. We talked about this. You need…help," Morgan said quietly.

"I don't need anyone," he answered sharply.

He gave the same answer as the one in his nightmare.

Morgan sighs.

Reid turned and looked at the clock… 11:35 pm.

"What are you doing here so late?" he demanded a bit annoyed.

"…Your phone," he pointed at the disregarded object on the floor next to where he sat.

He picked it up with shaking hands. He looked over sixteen text messages from Garcia, Morgan (he rolled his eyes), and even Hotch. He had nineteen missed calls and ten 'urgent' voicemails.

"I can take care of myself," Reid sighed.

"You're burning up," Morgan noted.

He was close. Too close. He hated close.

"Stop Reid. We have to go to a specialist. You need help," Morgan said.

"No…I don't need help. I'm perfectly fine," he shouted.

Morgan was pissed. It was that Reid was…mentally unprepared. It was that he was struggling. He was struggling to cope with what happened. He felt that damn twinge of guilt again. He rose and stormed to the bathroom.

"Morgan no," Reid calls following behind.

He stops by the door. Morgan is fuming with hate and anger.

"I can explain," Reid says, voice trembling.

"Damn right you better explain!" Morgan shouted.

"I-I don't…appreciate the fact of you yelling in my home," Reid mumbled.

"And I don't appreciate you lying and shutting yourself off. Don't get me wrong I can take it. I deserve it. But the others don't deserve the crap that you're putting them through!"

Reid felt hurt. Even betrayed by his so called best friend. True, he had all the right to be angry. Pissed even Furious.

"What are these doing here?" Morgan held out the syringes.

"….It's not what you think," Reid whispers suddenly more exhausted than before.

"Then what should I think?" Morgan inquires.

"They're empty…it's nothing," Reid shrugs.

"No it's not nothing. Yes they are empty. But…But what happened to whatever was inside them. At least tell me…was it…was it Dilaudid?"

"No!"

"Then what…" Morgan said exasperated suddenly looking older.

"I stole those from..."

"From who, Spence?"

"Bates…it's how…h-how he died…I killed him, you know," Reid gulped.

A lump in his throat was threatening with emotion.

"Poison?" Morgan asked panicky.

"It's flushed," he looked toward the toilet.

"I…I don't know why I kept them," he whispered again.

"Reid…I'm sorry…I should've trusted you…you have all right to push me away," Morgan apologized.

"You jump into conclusions and I can't blame you…But I…I have thought about it…more than once," Reid began.

"Thought about what?"

"Different…solutions…Poison…running away…even dilaudid again," Reid answered.

"A psychologist," Morgan finally said.

Reid looked up at him a bit shocked. He expected it though.

"I'm not crazy," Reid muttered.

"No but…you can't handle it either. Heck,_ I_ can't handle it," he confessed.

"Then a psychiatrist would be better," Reid agreed.

"Why?"

"I have insomnia it's a chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time. It comes from Latin nsomnia, from nsomnis, which means sleepless," Reid rambled.

"I know what insomnia is Reid…It's the nightmares right?"

"Yes…Memories that resurface when in REM…sorry," he mumbled.

"I won't lose my friend. If I didn't lose you to a serial killer/rapist I won't lose you to your stubborn self," Morgan smiled.

"Thank you…but I won't get lost…I just don't find it very appealing to talk to a stranger about…about what happened," Reid sighs.

"I know and though I find it uncomfortable too we can't help each other for the reason that we both lived through the torture…I'm still amazed we managed to pass the evaluations," Morgan replied.

"…I suppose…I'm really sorry," Reid whispered.

"I know…go sleep I'll call Garcia to give me the best psychiatrist's info," and with that he exited the bathroom.

Reid could still feel the tension. He hated it but he needed space. He quickly went to his room and locked the door. He pulled out a hidden box behind a book in a shelf near his bed. As he opened it he picked up a small vile with a needle, clear liquid inside. The monster he fought and defeated years ago still there and it's tempting. Too tempting and Morgan was just outside in the living room to make matters worse.


End file.
